SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! So go fuck yourselves if you still haven't seen it. It's been more than a week now. Go see the damn thing and be pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised already. Pineapple goes in pizzas and DIE HARD IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE. Suck it.
I'm cheating, I'm connecting the dots with the help of
the Star Wars Wikia
Watching a new Star Wars movie has become a holiday tradition along with getting fucked up on the nog and grabbing the HR girl's ass at the office party.
Finally got around to seeing Star Wars the last Jedi and I brought along a 40+ year old friend who does not "give a fuck about Marvel, DC, Star Wars or any of that shit" for objectivity's sake. I was also expecting to get reverse triggered with a load of PC, nerf wrapped, SJW design-by-committee horseshit specially tailored for pussified audiences. Here's what I encountered:
It starts with Poe Dameron getting cocky and pulling an A.J. Frost from Armageddon. A fuckload of rebel bombers are lost for not following General Organa's order. Leia tells Poe to "get your head out of your cockpit." HA! I see what you did there.
Rey finds Luke at that remote island... that Puffin Island, I mean Porg Island, that's it. I think that's what it's called: Porg Island.
Rey wants Luke to go all Pai Mei and teach her the The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique so she can WHOOP Kylo Ren's ass. Luke sez no. Throws his lightsaber away. Fuck dat shit he sez.
So, turns out the rebel ships or just the Raddus (NEEEEERRRRRDS!), details are hazy, had been tracked through hyperspace by the the First Order.
Kylo Ren and a TIE fighter escort go after the Raddus, fuck the shit out of the bridge, kill Admiral Ackbar and blow a half dead Leia into space. Leia manages to find her inner Beatrix Kiddo and Mary Poppins it back to the Raddus.
Back in Porg Island, Luke reluctantly agrees to train Rey in the ways of the force and sez: "fine, I'll tell you about the force and shit. But don't EVER use it. Dat shit will fuck you up". Rey sits on a rock, realigns her chakras. Kylo Ren from afar pulls out the ouija board and contacts Rey. Rey freaks the fuck out and Luke gets even more freaked out. Luke tells her that once upon a time he set up a Jedi academy for force sensitive indigo children so he can train his dear nephew Ben Solo. One day Kylo gets all aggro, turns on him, kills a lot of students and burns Hogwarts to the ground.
Disney snuck some vegan propaganda in there. FUCK! But I let it go. No biggie.
Back at the Raddus, Admiral Holdo is running this monkey farm. Admiral Holdo cuntsplains to Poe how big an impulsive asshole he is and tells him to lay low before he fucks anything else up. Check your privilege you toxic masculinity fueled cis male pig!
Poe Dameron tells her about the Canto Bight plan. Holdo ain't got no other plan and sez "Fuck it. Do whatever you want. Doesn't matter now. We're royally fucked."
So Finn... Ah Jeez. Last Jedi did its best to course correct and give that poor simp a set of balls.
Hey Finn! Rey's not that into you. She's not into the big black mamba, hey! I don't think she's into pussy either. She strikes me as that sort of asexual girl that has a personal relationship with Jesus (or some sort of self sacrificing messiah figure 'wink, wink') and/or is REALLY INTO Disney princesses or some other Tell-tale sign that inside her mind sex is gross/boring/unnecessary. Think about it, Finn: She's going to a remote island to live the monastic lifestyle cause she really, really, really wants to Kill Bill the fuck out of Kylo Ren. Ain't nobody got time 4 dick or pussy! Like Elsa from Frozen said: Let it go, let it go. There's more pussy flying 'round the galaxy than you know.
So Rose Tico, a girl who's really into the dick, specifically into Finn's dick goes after him. Rose was unnecessary? I beg to differ. Finn needed to get his rocks off somehow. That whole dynamic reminded me of Rushmore, particularly the ending of Rushmore. You haven't seen Rushmore? What's wrong with you bunch of uncultured people. Go see it now and thank me later.
(IN A HARRY S. PLINKETT VOICE) Maz Kanata sends Finn and Rose to Canto Bight to look for a Master Codebreaker that could crack through the clearance codes for an infiltration of the First Order flagship I guess. It's an older code, sir, but it checks out... or something.
They reach the Canto Bight casino resort planet and WACKINESS ENSUES! WACKA WACKA!
Snokey snoke tells Kylo Ren to stop being a pussy, take that ridiculous helmet off and find Luke Skywalker already.
Kylo throws another temper tantrum, breaks his mean man scary face Bane voice modulating mask and decides to take it out on his mom.
Rey takes a tour of Porg Island, falls in a pit, stumbles upon a magic mirror (?) and wishes to see her parents. Rey's sitting by the fire drying herself off and at this point a hunky shirtless Kylo Ren shows up and Rey sez "put a shirt on you date rapist!". Kylo gets all historical revisionist on Rey's ass and tells her that it was Luke who tried to shoot first.
Luke senses that some strange things are afoot at the circle K. Rey and Luke get in a fight, Rey bests Luke and forces him to tell her the truth.
Meanwhile, the Raddus along with all the remaining rebel ships are getting blown to bits by the First Order ships.
Holdo decides that "fuck this, lets just abandon ship and hope for the best". Poe Dameron gets all uppity and calls her a coward and a traitor and leads a mutiny. Leia shows up in her hospital gown to confront Poe inside the control room, sets her phaser to STUN and drops Poe like a bag of bricks.
Anyway, Finn and Rose make it to Snokey snoke's ship with the help of "a coder", just not the specific coder they were sent looking for. They manage to get a hold of some dapper waffen ss uniforms, slap a black bucket on BB-8 to disguise him and mosey over to the First Order flagship's flux capacitor and are just about to disable it when UH-OH they're betrayed by the coder they found in the casino resort planet. Phasma shows up to kill Finn and Rose.
Rey reaches Snokey snoke's ship and Kylo Ren is waiting for her. Rey still sees some good in Kylo Ren. Sensitive girls wanting to fix damaged goods, see where that gets you. Snoke continues to belittle Kylo in front of Rey while waterbording her into telling him where in the motherfuck is Luke Skywalker at. Kylo gets sick of Snoke's shit, ignites Luke Skywalker's lightsaber and unceremoniously slices Snoke in half.
Kylo and Rey fight the Imperial Guard, fuck all of them up and Rey's like "Okay, that was fun. Let's go help the rebels. They're that way! Let's go. Follow my lead... 1,2,3 and away we go... to help the rebels. Okay lets go! Y u not coming?". Kylo tells Rey that it doesn't matter that she's a lowly chav girl or that her parents were a bunch of drunks who sold her for booze. All that matters is that the force is strong with her and together they can rule the galaxy.
Poe wakes up inside an escape pod alongside Leia and a few other rebels. Admiral Holdo sez: "fuck this shit. Sick and tired of it. BANZAI!!!" Jumps to lightspeed and wrecks the Supreme Leader Snoke's flagship, the Mega-class Star Destroyer Supremacy.
Kylo and Rey part ways. Finn smashes Phasma's silly disco ball hat and she falls to a fiery death. Kylo Ren gets ready to fuck the rebellion's shit up once and for all.
The rest of the rebellion makes it to Crait. Crait is where the schmoopy Vulptex puppy dogs live. All they have down there to fight the First order are a bunch of V-4X-D ski speeders. Poe, Finn, Rose and a handful of rebels try to fly the speeders into the portable death star laser in the hopes of jamming it somehow.
Rose has a Wonder Woman moment and manages to block Finn's cock as it is about to get lodged down the throat of the portable death star laser that Kylo Ren brought down to Crait to finish the job.
Luke shows up on Crait to hand Leia a pair of fuzzy dice. Luke goes out the abandoned mine to confront Kylo. Kylo orders all AT-AT Walkers to fire on Luke. Luke yawns as he wipes a bit of schmutz off his shoulder.
Kylo has a Rameses II from The Ten Commandments moment as he realizes the rebellion has snuck away aboard the Millennium Falcon while he's been firing at a force hologram of Luke. The last thing Luke sees sitting on a rock in Porg Island are the twin suns setting. The feels.
Leia, Chewie, Rey, Finn, Poe, Rose and a smattering of rebel fighters take a picture for the Holiday card. A dickensian street urchin looks into the starry sky... and CREDITS.
Did it offend me to the core? NO
Did it offend my less sensitive 40+ old friend? NO
I kind of liked it. SJW message, diversity quota, misandry aside... it was a good addition to the new Disney brand Star Wars trilogy. I give it a full box wine.
